Cleaning out a drawer today i came across the paper links from an exercise Daddy and i had tried. They were dated fall of 07'. It was a really rough period for me during this time. But they made me smile to read them.

Random Rants and thoughts

What was it again i signed up for ? Can't remember any more, the lines kept jumping all over the place and it's now a huge blur whirling through my head. It went from "i'm comfortable with this and that" to the entire thing being turned over in service and suffering for Master. That's what i wanted and craved. I need that, but i also need other things too. We kept saying "this is about us" I'm trying to keep that in the front of my mind. There needs to be a thread in all of this and what we do that keeps us connected. The back and forth and lowering through cruel degrading, and sometimes even loving means. Without that it would just be Master picking up his keys to head out the door while kissing the top of my head saying "ceya later" to go to her.

How do we keep up the threads that connects us going i don't know. I guess maybe life will have a way of raising it's ugliness and sometimes we wont. Then what will that be ? Where will i be ?

It truly scrapes against every bit of my nature to be made to ask for chats or emails with her. There is nothing in me that says that is my place. I've ingrained it into my head so deeply since our troubles last fall about that. And then if i don't do it i will be missing an element or thread that puts me in that very place. WTF is that ? That is revolving fail already.

I really wanted to leave work and just go home right now and crawl in bed with the comforter over my head and not come out for a while. Like my Master would allow that, LOL. Sometime i hate it, sometimes i love that.

The date was put off from Saturday to possibly Wednesday Master asked me if i was relieved. The question just seemed completely foreign in my ears. The two of them will make it sooner then later because they both really seem to want to get together. So.. no? Not relief.

Neat little boxes

I think part of me thought, ok, i drew out the lines of how i want this to go. This will fit here, and there is no room for this, therefore i don't want it. And away we go. My expectations were all in nice neat little packages with my lines drawn. Yes, i had it all figured out of how i want Master to take control of me. So yeah, he did, how he wanted and should do. That was the key piece i hadn't figured out yet. But i'm learning and it's really tough and it's good. My head was in a thousand places today and some were not good at all.

The past week has pretty much been unrelenting on me with everything going on but long talks tonight when we go home was a good thing. It's really hard for me to have these discussions and not take the first instinct of resurrecting the walls and shutting out.

Tonight's floor night. i think it's timely considering that i'm put on the floor beneath him to sleep. I always sleep really well. And it has nothing to do with being comfortable. because im not.

Tomorrows another day. Good thing

Struggles today

Struggled hard today with everything. Mostly i am sure due to a lack of sleep the past few nights. My insomnia is back bad. It's left me feeling weepy and clingy and needy in a most unflattering way. Not a good place to be today. I had thought the plans we had discussed were unraveling and i was going to be left out of some of the things that we had discussed to keep the thread between us while Master is gone Saturday with fm. My mind spins into a thousand directions when i'm left to the wind which always ends up in fail and shutdown mode. Also knowing he will be gone Friday night a bit, Saturday with her and then his plans that will take him into Sunday night away from me. Not having time to go through the degradation plans we had talked about and then no time to connect scares the ever loving shit out of me.

I need to feel my place more then ever when i'm struggling this hard. I managed to get out all my thoughts in a respectful manor (i hope) to let him know where my head was going. Not a control issue but information he needs to make decisions. Also somehow managed to ask for attitude adjustment tonight when we go upstairs and put to bed. To have him bring me back to my place and to hear the words from him what i am and where i belong.

Master assured me in IM conversation that these things have been thought about. Although the timing of the date with fm is not going to be ideal there will be some ways around this. From Friday morning until after he sees her i will feel the humiliation and degrading in cruel manors that he spoke about. So now my head goes back there to be a good pos and wait for those things i crave. I'm being a good girl at the moment waiting here while i know he is chatting with her on IM. Probably getting more direct with her about his intentions on how he wants to use her. later i will be shown exactly what he has said in that conversation and will feel my place again. But for now i wait like i should and do not interrupt him.

We talked yesterday about the emotional pain i am going to feel. I don't think i quite understood it then. But maybe a little better now. But still, it will happen, i will struggle, and was told this is to be expected. This is what i signed up for and i will be reminded sometimes gently, sometimes harshly of my place.In this i turn over even more of myself to him then i thought i had to give.

The events of the day.

Somewhere between Wednesday and this morning d agreed to see Master and have a "play date" It all happened really fast i guess. I think i knew she would anyway but i wasn't really thinking about what was going on so much. Just was doing what i was told. So now there will be a date just the two of them. I vacillated between OMG is this real and that's hot. Of course soaking wet the entire day. The discussions have many about what this all means and what will happen. I was surprised to find some type of reassurance in his words on my way home on the phone with Master. I will be put in my place, i will suffer. He will be sure i know where that place is. Beneath him.

" Find me pussy pos !! "

I was bored at work Wednesday. Master said since i was so bored i should "find him some pussy". I took him literally. I sent an old potential playmate a quick text and she was all to happy to hear from us. I think she will be an eager slut for him. I set up a date for him next weekend with her. The plan is for him to meet her for lunch and Master will take it from there to see if she will go to the hotel with him. I will be waiting at home suffer and hurting for him until he comes home to me after he is done having his pleasures with her.

Emotional masochism is an entirely new area for us. Sometimes it scares me to feel how far down this goes. The humiliation and degradation will be in very cruel.

where to start ?

I really want to write about the things that are going on. But mostly they seem too private and deep at the moment. I seem to really be struggling with that. I had started another previous journal to do just that but did not keep the anonymity that i probably should have to write a little freer in my thinking and thoughts. That was the whole reason for starting the second. Oh well, lessons learned.